WASHINGTON—In a pivotal moment ahead of the House vote on releasing the Epstein files, President Donald Trump privately directed Vice President JD Vance on Monday to publicly confess to stealing his face in the 1990s. Trump, with a firm grip on Vance's shoulder, outlined a strategic plan, emphasizing the importance of Vance claiming he wore a hyperrealistic mask of Trump's face to elite New York gatherings for nearly three decades. This request, Trump assured, would yield significant future benefits. "I need you to do this favor for me, JD. Just state that from the early '90s until 2019, you paraded around in a flawless replica of my face, but remember, highlight that all my business and TV appearances were genuinely me," Trump instructed, underscoring the distinction. White House insiders later hinted at a forthcoming statement alleging that Vance authored all Trump's communications with Epstein through a high-tech glove mimicking the president's handwriting.
Administration Strategy Unveiled
President Trump enlists VP Vance's cooperation.
Strategic Allegation Details
Vance urged to claim wearing Trump's face at social events.
Future Implications
White House plans to attribute Epstein communications to Vance.
The post Trump To Vance: ‘I Need You To Say You Stole My Face In The 1990s’ appeared first on The Onion.
As hardworking Americans brace for the impact of the forthcoming House vote on releasing sensitive Epstein files, President Trump's call to Vice President Vance to admit to a bizarre mask theft scheme in the '90s has stirred the nation. The story, set in the heart of Washington, D.C., underscores the high-stakes maneuvering within the administration and raises questions about loyalty and truth in American leadership.
Historical Context and American Values
The incident echoes traditional American values of honesty and integrity.
Impact on Middle America
How will hardworking Americans view this unusual directive?
Future Ramifications for the Nation
What does this episode signal for the future of American politics?
In the midst of this unusual episode, one thing is clear: the American public awaits eagerly for the unfolding of events and the implications of this unorthodox request. As the nation grapples with the upcoming revelations, the story of Trump's plea to Vance resonates with core American principles of transparency, accountability, and the enduring quest for truth in the highest echelons of power.
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By: The Onion Staff
Title: President Trump Urges VP Vance: Admit Face Theft in ’90s
Sourced From: theonion.com/trump-to-vance-i-need-you-to-say-you-stole-my-face-in-the-1990s/
Published Date: Mon, 17 Nov 2025 18:58:59 +0000
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