FDA Bans Captain Morgan Rum Due to College Flashbacks

Officials Take a Stand

In a bold move, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has decided to ban Captain Morgan rum, citing personal experiences of having consumed excessive amounts of the drink during their college years.

Unsuitable for Consumption

The FDA memo revealed that the officials couldn't even stand the smell of Captain Morgan rum, leading to the decision to remove it from the market. FDA commissioner Robert M. Califf expressed his disgust for the beverage, stating that it was "nasty as fuck" and needed to be eliminated.

Backed by Data

According to the FDA, studies showed that even seasoned drinkers ended up sick and passed out after consuming Captain Morgan rum, with lingering hangovers that ruined entire weekends. The ban extends to Bacardi Raspberry as well.

Personal Testimony

Califf, who initially couldn't bear the thought of Captain Morgan rum, eventually tried a sip only to vomit immediately. The decision to ban the drink reflects a personal aversion to the product.

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By: The Onion Staff
Title: FDA Bans Captain Morgan Rum Due to College Flashbacks
Sourced From: theonion.com/fda-bans-captain-morgan-rum-after-having-way-too-much-of-that-shit-in-college/
Published Date: Wed, 27 Nov 2024 15:44:26 +0000